""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.
Baby, have you been eating your Campbell's soup? Because you are looking Mmm, Mmm good!
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
Are you a ghost? Because you’ve been haunting my dreams.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what can you make out of a banana?
Slippers!
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
You look a lot like my next victim.
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
You’re so hot you make my lab goggles fog up.
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
Go to BabaMail
