Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
I bet we'd get into some serious Treble together.
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
I can die happily now because I have just seen a piece of heaven.
What do you call a computer that plays tennis?
A server
What's a shark's favorite hobby?
Anything he can sink his teeth into.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
I now believe in Angels.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
Best in snow.
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
If you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
Even Pepcid AC can’t stop my heart from burning for you.
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
Are you a lion of the sea? Because I’m sure, I’ll see you in my bed tonight, lion.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
Your Bosons are giving me a Hadron.
Go to BabaMail
