I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
When you come across a werewolf with no legs, how do you call it? Call it anything because it cannot chase you!
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
On Halloween night, the walking dead clones
Shuffle around with mumbled grunts and groans
But have no fear
When they come near
They would rather die, than turn off their phones!
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you — hand over the cash!
Are you a girl scout because you tie my heart in knots.
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
You shouldn't wear make up, baby.
It's messing with perfection.
"Have a hoppy Easter."
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
I'm sorry did you say you drove the ski-doo, what's your ring size?
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