“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
Guess what I’m wearing? The smile you gave me!
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
What is Tesla's favorite gun?
A musket
If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
What do you call a group of chickens clucking in unison?
A Hensemble.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because honestly, Karen, you are a demon.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?
This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
Are you wearing space pants? Because your a** is out of this world.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
What do you can an ant scientist?
Albert Antstein.
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
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