“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.
Why did king Minos put Minotaur inside a labyrinth?
He wanted to amaze his wife.
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
Are you the Godiva store? Because you seem sweet and way too fancy for me.
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
Your voice is so a-do-re-ble to mi
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
Sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re making the other girls look bad.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
What does a dinosaur call a porcupine? A toothbrush.
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
He threw three free throws.
I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
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