I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.

Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.

How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.

How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!

Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!

Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.

What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.

“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw

Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.

Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.

Baby, you're so hot it's got to be at least Fahrenheit 451 in here.

What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.

I thought I saw some fog yesterday.

But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.

What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.

I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.

“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”

- Jim Gaffigan.

Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.

Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.

"Your kisses are to dye for."

“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg

Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.

Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.

Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.

How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.

Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.

What do the Scottish cars wear as hats?

Flat-caps.

The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.

Your name must be Calculus Homework, because I have no interest in doing you.

It’s not you – it’s me. I don’t like you anymore.

A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"

What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE

Sorry I'm so quiet this evening. You simply took my breath away.

I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.

Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?

“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner

My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.

What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.

"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous

Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers

You’re photos are so great, would it be weird if I made you my screen Xavier?

If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.

“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4

What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!

What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!

What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!

“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”

- George Carlin.