Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.

What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.

Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other

"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert

What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.

I hope your day is as radiant as your smile.

Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.

I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.

I wonder if you can help me? I seem to be suffering from a lack of Vitamin U.

My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.

My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.

"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!

Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.

There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and people who love you. And I don't love chocolate.

Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!

What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!

The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.

What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.

“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”

- Erma Bombeck

In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.

I think, therefore I’m single.

Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?

What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.

When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.

"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."

How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.

My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.

I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.

Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.

When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.

What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.

Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.

Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.

There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.

There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.

As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.

Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!

(Ilene Bauer)

What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb

"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider

What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick

Wow, you drive me Davi

What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.

My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.

It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.

What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.

"The Upside-Down World"

I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;

And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;

And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.

– Hamish Hendry

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.

Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.

I bought a boat because it was for sail.

Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.

What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.

Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.