“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
Why did the zombie take a sick day?
She had cold symp-tombs.
Is there wifi in here? Because I feel we have a strong connection.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.
If I can't score, can I at least get an assist?
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
Are you aware we are headed to the kissing gate?
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
Is that a mirror in your Bible? Because I see you reflecting Christ.
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
Are you the opening night? Because you make me nervous.
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland
We should train together, I've heard it's good for bone density.
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.
What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
Go to BabaMail
