I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
The sun is just a big space heater.
Are you a fire alarm? because you are really freaking loud and annoying
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
That's right; I'm as breathtaking as the Sydney Tower.
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
What kind of fish do you catch with Gummy Worms?
Swedish Fish.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Sea you at the beach.
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
What do cell phones order at dinner?
Apps.
You are the object of my preposition.
KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."
Are you a drill sergeant? Because you’ve got my privates on high alert.
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
I can sea clearly now.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
What do zombies serve at parties?
Finger food.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Hey pretty lady, let me take you out on a first date in the snow. I promise I’m not a flakey person.
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
Avoid pier pressure.
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
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