My pants are approaching escape velocity.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
What happened when Turbo lost his shell? He began to feel sluggish.
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
Foul Play Suspected In Death Of Man Found Handless, Bound And Hanged
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]."
How did you know my name?
"Isn't every beautiful girl named that?"
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you even after I'm sixty-four!
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
Like America to Hawaii in 1898, you’ve annexed my heart.
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Here comes the sun of my life
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
Sorry for cutting you in line, I was hoping you believe in love at first sight.
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
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