My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
Who will Frankenstein’s monster take to the dance?
Any old girl he can dig up.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
I like you a lily bit more every day.
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
If I was a chessboard, I'd be lucky to have a queen like you.
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
Are you one of Job's daughters?
Because you're twice as beautiful as any other girl I've ever seen.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Santa’s whiskey was much too hearty,
It seems he was a bit of a smarty;
The last day of October,
He is clearly not sober,
He’s wound up at a Halloween party.
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
I love you so much that If you were suddenly on fire, I'd pee on you.
It seems like you have the answer to my math problem. What are your digits?
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
This date just made my day Emil-ion times better
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ike.
Ike who?
Ike can rock your world, baby.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
Are you on the drumline? Because I want to play with your stick
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
You are as cute and cuddly as a Koala.
If you were even half as gorgeous as me, I'd consider sleeping with you.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
I lost my future girlfriend's phone number.
I think you might have it.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
There’s no reason to wine about you.
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