Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
The public investigated a box full of crows because it was a murder case.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
Have you been to the doctor's lately? Cause I think you're lacking some vitamin me.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.
Why were there cows on the baseball field?
Because they were looking for the bullpen.
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
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