Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
What do golf and se* have in common?
They’re two things you can enjoy even if you’re bad at both of them.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
They found a plant that cures COVID-19!
It’s called plant yourself on the couch.
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
Girls just wanna have sun!
A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
Where my prose at?
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
Will you come to my place? You can sure lower my heating bill with your hotness.
As one black bug, bled blue, black blood. The other black bug bled blue.
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?
Camembert.
Why are owls so good at math?
They excel at owlgebra.
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
You breathe oxygen too? We have so much in common!
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
What do you call a gestalt consciousness of plants?
A chive mind.
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
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