I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
I lost my future girlfriend's phone number.
I think you might have it.
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
I think you're barbe-cute.
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
I don't have a Christmas list, cuz you're already the best gift.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
I'm lactose intolerant so please keep your cheesy pick up lines away from me.
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
Are you from Tennessee?
Because you look inbred.
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
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