The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
Babe, you are like my right temporoparietal areas: I’d be lost without you.
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Excuse me, do you kiss strangers? No? Then let me introduce myself.
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
I'm a proverbs 32 kind of guy and you're a proverbs 31 kinda woman.
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
Don’t moss around.
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
Santa’s whiskey was much too hearty,
It seems he was a bit of a smarty;
The last day of October,
He is clearly not sober,
He’s wound up at a Halloween party.
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
Nice pumpkins!
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