I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
Time to spruce things up.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
I like 25 letters of the alphabet
But I love U.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
You must be my coronary artery because you’re wrapped around my heart.
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
This must be decaf, cause you’re just dreamy!
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
What is the difference between a Yankees fan and a dentist?
One roots for the Yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. OUCH.
I always like to keep my place stocked with coffee and breakfast food in case I don't wake up alone.
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
I wanna bob for your apples.
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
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