Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
"I treated this relationship like my diet, one cheat day a week."
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
Whoa, Heaven must be missing an angel! Because you’re dead to me.
Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
I'd run miles just to be with you.
What did the marathoner do after he won the race?
He decided to go into politics and run for office.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Hey, are you okay-leb?
If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
Hey baby are you a boxer? You should try it, because your one hell of a knock out!
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
Are you an overdue book? Because you have fine written all over you!
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?
He wanted to robbit.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ? In the dark!
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
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