Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
Here in Australia it's already tomorrow, wanna know what we did last night?
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
When a young adult goes to take a leak, does that mean they're a peenager?
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
The direction fields of my heart all point to you.
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
I can give you something to really be thankful about!
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
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