Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
Are you French? I want to take a french kiss from you.
Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
You must be a choir director, because you make my heart sing!
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
I was supposed to play the trumpet
But I blew it.
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing In Killing
Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
Hey girl, I can't wait to see your body - of Christ.
Who is a crow’s favorite actor? Russell Crow!
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
What did the sarcastic otter say?
I think you’ve confused me with someone who builds a dam.
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