What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Roach.
Roach who?
Roach you a letter, did you get it?
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
Join me today, because I am in it for the long run when it comes to love.
If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
If my love were music, you'd be the most beaituful lyrics in the songbook
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.
“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?
Because you’re taking my breath away.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
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