The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.
He thought the manager said “seize her salad”.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
Damn girl, you're lookin' sharp
We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
What took you so long? I've been Kuwait-ing for you my whole life.
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
Can you tell me the oxidation state of this atom? If you can’t, then you can tell me your phone number instead?
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
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