What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
Hey girl! Let me orbit around you.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
I was worried you’d just be a pretty face, but Olivia looks real good to me
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
Do you like yoga? Because yoganna love what I can offer you.
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs? From an eggplant.
Are you a rusty bike? Because you gonna squeak and scream when I ride you tonight.
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
One night I looked up at the stars and thought, ‘Wow, how beautiful.’ But now that I’m looking at you, nothing else can compare.
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
What happened to the man that took the 5 o’clock train home? He had to give it back!
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
Have you ever seen a guy eat an entire can of pinto beans in under 10 seconds? Would you like to?
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
My friend finally overcame his addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
He quit cold turkey.
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
If you really want to get a date at a restaurant, it’s always nice to cut to the cheese.
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
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