Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Control freak.
Co…
You should say "Control freak who" now.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
If I had a nickel for every time I saw someone as beautiful as you, I’d still only have five cents.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Excuse me, do you kiss strangers? No? Then let me introduce myself.
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
I'm wearing green, you're wearing green, we have so much in common we should go out sometime.
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
If you were a Transformer you'd be Optimus Fine!
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
It's easier to prepare meals with this new cookware-wolf.
So, what do you turn into at midnight?
Let me be a chicken nugget, and take a dip in your sauce.
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts
Hi, my name's Pogo. Wanna ride on my stick?
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
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