Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
You really flipturn me on.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
I’m thinking about buying a new phone because this crappy one doesn’t have your number in it.
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little money for the movies.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
You know what they say, wheat fields are made for sowing.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
You have a pizza my heart.
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
In my own version of the periodic table of elements, the number one element is U.
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
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