Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
Did you hear the new pop song about Covid?
...it's pretty catchy.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
Frankenstein wasn’t very compliant.
He was mad and annoyed and defiant.
But he happened to pass
Anger management class —
And turned into The Jolly Green Giant!
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
When this planet is invaded by the aliens, I’d still hold your hand.
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
As soon as one beaver jumped in the river to search for his key, it got shocked, as the current was too strong.
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
Girl, want to watch me play? I never miss the target.
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
You have one compact set.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
(On a rainy day) I figured out why the sky was grey today...all the blue is in your eyes.
Thanksgiving is over… Want to watch Christmas movies and chill?
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
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