I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
It’s not you – it’s me. I don’t like you anymore.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
You must be regulated by the FDA because you treat, cure, and prevent my broken heart.
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
I’m feeling a little blue, do you think you could help al-Levi-ate my pain with a good date?
What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
Here is my libary card, because im checking you out.
I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
What do you say when you catch a bee? Behold!
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
I love you meow and forever.
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny left his treasure
Eggs marks the spot.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
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