Listen, I’ve got a couple important questions and I really need Samanthas
Your batteries must be low after hiking all day. Can I recharge them?
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
Whenever I saw the beautiful smile on your face, my heart jumps like a happy little kangaroo.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
Why did the girl break up with the boy?
He was driving her crazy!
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want to.
I fence-y you.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
Do you like interjections? YES? NO! GOOD!
I would give anything to be your personal item.
Hey Girl are you my checked in luggage? 'Cause I’d wait an eternity for you at the airport.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!
I think you're barbe-cute.
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
You’re my pot of gold.
Does your dad own a chocolate factory? Because you are as sweet as chocolate.
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
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