Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
I was so amazed by your beauty that I had to run to the wall over there. So, I need to get your number and name to claim my insurance.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
The last one to the top of the mountain has to buy dinner.
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
Are you a sprint set? Because you get my heart racing.
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
Don't worry, bee happy!
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
Did you ever notice that supermarket music is actually ideal for slow dancing with strangers?
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
I whale always love you.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
Which car is a Ghost’s favourite? It is between a Boogatti or a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
If home is where the heart is, then my home is in you.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
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