There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
Goat milk?
Do those legs go all the way? Because you should use them to go away.
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
Have you heard about the gorilla who got a name change?
Peaches the gorilla escaped from the zoo, but when they got him back they had to change it because it turns out he had become an Ape Re-caught.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
Do you want to dance?
Yeah, sure.
Great, then I can sit there.
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.
I know why Solomon had 600 wives, because he never found you.
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
Can we still share a netflix account?
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
Bad puns are how eye roll.
I just flew on a plane with an all female flight crew.
It was an....unmanned aircraft.
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
What did the baby chicken say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
Dad, look what marma-laid!
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
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