Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
The group of beavers loved the river because it has a really bubbly personality.
Are you on the drumline? Because I want to play with your stick
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
I’m looking for my soulmate. Do you think you could Aiden my search?
What a spud muffin.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
Did you hear about the gnome rogue?
Of course not, that g is silent!
Nice pumpkins!
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ears
Ears who?
Ears another knock knock jokes for you!
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
Hey you long legged girl with the short dress on. I finally found you!!
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
Are you British?
Cuz you just colonised my heart.
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
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