So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
I am sure it is not this jog, you definitely just took my breath away.
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.
There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
Girl, are you my Spotify playlist? ‘Cuz I wanna listen to you all day long.
Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.
Do you have an inhaler? You took my breath away.
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
Man: Any Generic Pick Up Line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
I like the way you espresso yourself.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
I just pooped in my bed. Can I sleep in yours?
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
We aren't even in hot yoga, but you have me sweating.
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