Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.

I like you sow much.

Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.

Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.

How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.

“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson

Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.

Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.

What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.

What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.

I saw a real rob-bbery today. It happened right before my berry eyes.

The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.

Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.

What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear

Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady

I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.

"You're the wine that I want."

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.

Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe.

I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett

Tropic like it's hot.

If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.

What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV

What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights

“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits

I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.

You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.

What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.

If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz

What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.

When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.

The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, Netflix, and mimosas with no pants on.
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.

Hey baby, are you my flight? Because I wish I could catch you.

I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.

My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.

Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.

I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat

(Colleen Laforme)

Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.

What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.

Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.

Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.

What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!

Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?

Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.