I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Owls say.
Owls say who?
Yes, they do.
Is there wifi in here? Because I feel we have a strong connection.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
You are astoundingly gorgeous, but I can tell that’s the least exciting thing about you. I’d love to know more.
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
"Great minds drink alike."
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He was feeling really crumbie!
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
I bet you’re really flexible.
What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
Baby, you’re hotter than Rome under Nero.
What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
If you think my Camel pose is impressive, wait until you see my Cobra.
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
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