Football is one habit I will never kick
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!
Kicking Baby Considered Healthy
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
Damn girl, are you a magician’s assistant? Because I want you to disappear from my life.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
During the pandemic, all the children asked to draw pictures of the different types of grass. The children had to submit their grass-essments online.
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
I think we're mint to be!
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
"You make me egg-static."
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Are you Jewish? Cause you IS RAELI HOT.
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
I think therefore I yam.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom.
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
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