My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
What did the cat say when it saw something scary? That freaks meowt!
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal
Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
What is the most favourite drink of a cow? Mountain Moo.
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
Hi, I hear you’re good at algebra… Will you replace my X without asking Y?
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
My love for you is like an exponential curve. It’s unbounded.
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
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