I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.

Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.

What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.

Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!

I think we'd make a cute pear.

What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

Let me call you my sunshine because you make me so hot.

My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.

"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough

Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.

My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.

"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.

I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.

How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.

Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.

My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.

“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein

How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.

I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.

What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”

Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.

I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.

As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.

Don't even chai.

What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.

Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.

You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.

What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?

Turkey in suspense.

Wanna go out sometime? I think we’d have Avery fun time together

Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.

I've been thinking about you owl night long...

Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good

This relationship is kinda like the Superbowl LIII halftime show; I can’t wait for it to be over.

You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do.

I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.

Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

Mermaids always drink mermosas.

Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.

What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"

What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.

You breathe oxygen too? We have so much in common!

What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.

Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.

What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.

What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER

The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna

I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.

"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza