Who did the ghost invite to his party? Any old friend he could dig up.
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
I meditate about you. Will you do the same too?
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”
Me: "That's how long your delay was."
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
You’re the batteries to my flashlight.
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?
“It was melondramatic.”
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
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