What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
Life without you is like a broken pencil... pointless.
Heaven called, they're missing an Angel.
You look a lot like my next victim.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
Do you celebrate Boxing Day? Because you're the whole package.
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.
Haida there, gorgeous.
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
This foundation is rock salad.
Why did the belt get arrested? Because he held up a pair of pants. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
When it’s raining, a turtle goes to a shell-ter.
I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Which trophy has the most glitz? The Lady Bling.
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
I've got something to tell you that I think you ought to know, That my eyes are on you baby.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
You look like you could use some hot chocolate... Well, here I am!
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
"What an egg-citing day."
I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eyes, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
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