"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Britney Spears
Britney Spears who?
Knock, knock - oops i did it again.
I see my future like how the Americans spell colour. Without u.
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Why don't zombies eat comedians?
They taste funny.
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
My lips are like skittles. Wanna taste the rainbow?
Hey baby, let me take you on a trip around the world.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda lay you, your lonely nights are over.
I took one Luca at you and I honestly couldn’t resist
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
Aaron you glad I messaged you first?
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
The only thing hotter than today is you.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
Do you like yoga? Because yoganna love what I can offer you.
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
It's easier to prepare meals with this new cookware-wolf.
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
If you think a meteor is hard, you should see what you are doing to my missile.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.
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