If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
You can have that last bag of chips if I can bag your number.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
Sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re making the other girls look bad.
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
Writers have great climaxes.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
Are you the perigee moon? Because I’m so attracted to you day by day.
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
There’s no trick in these pants.
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.
I must be a diamond now, because you just gave me a hardness of 10.
Whats a good Spanish sports channel?
ESBieN.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
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