“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
I wish I was your calculus homework, because then I'd be hard and you'd be doing me on your desk.
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
"Lazy bones."
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
A ghost and a witch with a broom
And a ghoul and a bat in a room
Stayed up very late
So that they could debate
About who should be frightened of whom!
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Looks like I’ve finally found my one and Zoe
The game of golf is 90-percent mental…
And 10-percent mental.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.
"Hey girl, I don't have power and success, but I'm funny."
- Modern Family
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
I’m more interested in you than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
Can I check the tag on your clothes?
Why, because I'm made in heaven?
No, because your sweating profusely through your armpits and I want to avoid purchasing this fabric in the future.
What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.
Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
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