All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
Wanna exchange genetic information with me?
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
I'm an endurance athlete. Think you can stand the HIIT?
Grandmother Of Eight Makes Hole In One
How come the mummy doesn't want a telephone? Because he always gets too wrapped up on his calls.
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
I'm like acetaminophen. I'll make sure all your pains go away when we're together.
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop.
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
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