How rude-olf of you.

I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.

“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”

- Percy French.

Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.

I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.

Hey pretty lady, let me take you out on a first date in the snow. I promise I’m not a flakey person.

You are aged to perfection.

The best punishment to give orange kids is getting them canned. This is the only way to prevent them from going bad.

The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.

What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.

Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.

Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.

What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.

What did one cloud of fog say to the other?

I don’t know. It’s a mistery.

“I couldn’t help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”
- Will Smith, Hitch (2005)

What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!

Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.

What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.

If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?

Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.

Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!

Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.

There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.

What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.

My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.

He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!

- Denise Rodgers

How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.

A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia

"I Can Rise And Shine"

I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!

Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.

My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.

“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”

- Nancy Mitford

What is a werewolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.

I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.

I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.

Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.

Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!

What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner

At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.

There once was a lovely young witch,

Who never wore a single stitch;

One Halloween night,

She gave quite a fright,

To some hags who had gathered in a ditch.

“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger

How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.

The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.

Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.

Are you a magician? Because you just cast a spell on me.

As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.

Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.

"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent

Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?