Girl, I know your wearing Nike, but I just won't do it.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I would really love to run away with you.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
You make my heart race, and there is no finish line.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
Girl, you must be blue because you’re the hottest star around right now.
Will you be the sun in my life? Then stay millions of miles away from me.
I think this has been said somewhere else.
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.
Was that an earthquake or are you rocking this run?
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
Good game--you certainly scored all your extra points with me.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
Beach you to it.
I can heartly wait to see you.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”
Me: "That's how long your delay was."
I'm not a very good swimmer, do you have any lifeguard experience?
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
It’s pretty plane and simple… I really think we could take off.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
You don't need to waste your time on that treadmill, you've been running through my mind all day.
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
Date a soccer player. We can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different positions.
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
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