What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
This dog is beautiful. I see he takes after his owner.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
Hey, let me take you out on a first date in the snow - I promise I'm not a flaky person.
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
Are you a 45-degree angle, because you’re perfect.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
I’ll be there in a pinch.
Your lips may be saying no, but your endorphins are saying yes.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
Did I Elijah’st fall in love?
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Eva.
Eva who?
Eva been asked out via knock knock joke before…?
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
Love at frost sight!
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.
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