Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
I heard milk does the body good, but man, how much have you been drinking?
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
What do you call a loud conversation? A megaphone.
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
Give me some pigskin
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
Are you epinephrine? ‘Cause baby, you make my heart race….
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
Hey girl, I've got an extensive collection of solution manuals. Can I get your number?
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
"Dying to have fun."
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
The fact that I'm missing some teeth only means that there's more room for your tongue.
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
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