What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
Fall is a-maize-ing.
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
I was so amazed by your beauty that I had to run to the wall over there. So, I need to get your number and name to claim my insurance.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
A Halloween bash in my street
was a night that will never repeat
the spirits that come
were tequila and rum
and I ended up drunk on my feet.
Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can I worm my way in to your house!
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?
He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.
Are we going to do some gravity experiments? Okay, let’s test how fast I would free fall for you.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
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