I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.
Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
Girl, your skin is so smooth, and you smell good just like some new shoes.
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table?
She was hogging all the food!
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.
Was that an earthquake or are you rocking this run?
Are you a customs agent? I feel like I need to declare my love to you.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
You must sprinkle extra sugar in your cereal in the morning...
Why, because I'm so sweet?
No, because you're really fat.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
My love for you is like the Spanish Armada – unsinkable!
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
I like you a lily bit more every day.
Hey babe, I want tibia your Valentine!
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
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