Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.”
— Mick Jagger
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
Are you my Appendix? Because I have a funny feeling in my stomach that makes me feel like I should take you out.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Are you a centripetal force? Because you make my world go round.
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player. They both do hat tricks.
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
You must be a magician, because everytime I look at you, everyone else disappears.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
You smell just like my mom, want to grab a drink?
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
A Halloween bash in my street
was a night that will never repeat
the spirits that come
were tequila and rum
and I ended up drunk on my feet.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
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