I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
Is your name Ariel? Because we mermaid for each other.
Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?
He had gnocchi.
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
What did the deer say to his funny friend? You’re deer-larious!
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
Hey, Are you made of candy? Because you look sooo sweet!
What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.
Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
You're like my drug - when I'm with you, I feel Absinthe-minded.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
I can go 90 minutes without stopping.
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
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