There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
What a great match!..I hope when you see my message you don’t give it Ah-big-ail no and leave me hanging
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
How about you let me take you to the Planetarium? You seem to belong there since your beauty is celestial.
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
How about a kanga-root?
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
Damn girl, are you a magician’s assistant? Because I want you to disappear from my life.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
How do you stop a werewolf attacking you?
Throw a stick and shout “Fetch.”
I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion.
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary?
A kazoo.
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
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