What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.
After all is sled and done.
Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back—don’t ask Y.
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
How hot does your gas oven get?
My heart rate’s always higher when I hike with you.
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
It’s a good thing I have my library card because I am totally checking you out.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
Are you looking for a shallow relationship?
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
Do you like sub-bass? Because you just turn on my lower frequencies.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
What did the alligator say to the other alligator that was in the way?
“Please move, I need to get bayou.”
Give me just a FRACTION of your heart and I will SOLVE all of your problems.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
It's really hard for me to plan our wedding without your number.
I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
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