Q. What is a gorilla's favorite toy?
A. A bab-boom-orang.
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.
How does a horse tow its trailer?
With a Ford Bronco.
How do you get dragon milk?
Find a cow with no back legs
What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
What’s happens to the sportiest horse?
It gets to be first horse-pick of the draft.
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
She acts like summer and walks like rain.
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
I like long runs on the beach.
Where does a penguin keep its money?
In a snow bank.
Girl, your personality is so magnetic I think our protons are in alignment.
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
Only a**holes use bidets.
"You are adorable, mademoiselle. I study your feet with the microscope and your soul with the telescope."
― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
Why wouldn’t the ghost eat liver? He didn’t have the stomach for it.
Do you have the power of a volcano? Because I lava you!
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.
The tiger came went to the salon. Now, other animals of the jungle call him 'Shaved Khan.'
Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
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