Hey pumpkin – I bet I can put a smile on your face.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
My dog recently joined a gang. Now he’s all about that pug-life.
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
How much does a Polar Bear weigh?
I don't know.
About ten pounds less than you, fat-ass.
"Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?"
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
You smell... We should go take a shower together.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
He’s an elf-made man.
Hurricane Irene is a Category 3, but if it had your name it be a perfect 10.
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
You must be one spicy dish because you're making my heart burn.
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
You leave me Wonton more.
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
You are so beautiful that you made me forget my pick up line.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
I was wondering if you like science because I have had my ion you for some time.
What did the river sue for?
Beaver damage.
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
Resting Grinch face.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
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