Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
Ooh, I love your accent. What is it, agogic?
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
Can I get your number?
One call, that's all.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.
"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
Do you know the difference between you and the new phone? The new iPhone costs $1,000 and you are priceless.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.
My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
One more thyme.
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
I beg your garden?
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
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