Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!
The other goes What Cactussssss...
Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?
You must be copper because I always cu in my dreams.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
It's getting warmer and the snow is melting. Time for me to melt your heart.
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter be quick, I have to go to the bathroom!
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
How does Frankenstein speak?
Frankly.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
Why did the penguin cross the road?
To go with the floe!
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
Are you British?
Cuz you just colonised my heart.
Roses are red, my face is too.. that only happens when I see you.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
What do France and a pigeon have in common?
Every 5 minutes, there is a coo.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
Crowing, crowing, gone.
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
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