“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
Icy what you did there!
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
I need three things: The sun for the day, The moon for the night, and you for the whole life.
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.
I'm going to have to get a security guard because you're trying to steal my heart.
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
Go to BabaMail
