What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
"We gotta get you out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini."
- Jay Chandrasekhar, Beerfest (2006)
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
Look like we've got a long wait here in the check-out line, so why don't we get acquainted.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
My flower blooms whenever I see your beautiful face, I hope you know what I mean.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!
Are you British?
Cuz you just colonised my heart.
Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
It’s called Elon’s Musk
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
Are you a bike? Because I wanna ride you until I get tired.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
What are the chances I open with a pun that’s so bad you Leah-ve me hanging?
There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
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