She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
Cutest clover in the patch.
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
The crowd had filled up the venue and everyone was waiting for the bowling alley to open. Finally, they got the ball rolling.
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
You are one well-defined function!
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin the piggy bank again.
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
You don't need to waste your time on that treadmill, you've been running through my mind all day.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
Can I take your temperature? You’re looking hot today.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
The pool water isn’t very hot but you sure are.
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
you must be augmented cause my love for you just won't diminish!
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
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