Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed Fred bread.
I like your wart, want to see a few of mine?
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
Are you an Advil? Cause I'd like to take you every 2-4 hours.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
Are you tinsel? Because I want you all over my tree.
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
Knock knock. Who's there?
You're.
You're who?
You're single again.
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
Girl, you must be a Beatles song, because look at this Long, Long, Long Norwgian Wood.
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
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