I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
Are you still wondering why the basketball player could listen to his music? Don’t you know he broke a record!
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
Are you a florist? Cause ever since I met you, my life has been Rosey.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Which Pokémon has Covid?
Pik-achoo.
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
Are you going to a beauty contest? Because you are looking damn beautiful.
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
"You round me out." — High Card Band
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Want to become my new personal best?
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
Hey I love your shoes, they would look even better if they were running alongside me.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
My friend learned Spanish by jotting sentences repeatedly...
He used wrote learning.
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
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