What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
I'm going to start watching my caffeine intake because baby you make my heart palpitate.
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
Wow, you feel like a comet, you are a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I’m glad I didn’t miss it. Can I buy you a drink?
Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
Are you a high jumper? Because you make my bar go up.
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
I heard they just opened up a new Lego store. Let's see if we can't build something together!
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
That alligator took great photos, he was a bit of a snapper.
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lee
Lee who?
Lee me alone - I've got a headache!
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
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