Get clover it, babe.
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
Do you like the internet? Because I can put you on there if you come back to my place.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
I hope my love for you is arterial because I don’t want it to be all in vein.
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
I slipped some Great Barrier Reefers in yur drink.
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Because it looks like you landed on your face.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
What is an evil dictator’s favorite type of weather?
A rain of terror.
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
How good is a Coney Island gyro? Feta than se*.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber? Your number.
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
“A best friend is someone who, when they don’t understand, they still understand."
— Nancy Werlin
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
Can I hiber-mate with you?
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
I didn’t plan on specializing, but you seem pretty special to me.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
"Just looking on the sunny side."
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
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