My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
I took one Luca at you and I honestly couldn’t resist
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
My feelings for you are Mont-real.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
I'd drink your bathwater.
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute
I was hoping you’d text first, but clearly Abby-t you to it
What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.
None of you are invited.
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
Fall leaves whenever winter knocks on the door.
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
You dropped something. My jaw.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
Go to BabaMail
