Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
Why was the crow upset about his job? The HR fired the crow with no caws.
What do you call a cold, angry pig? A ham-brr-grr.
Dog heaven must be missing an angel.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
You have beautiful eyes. Oh, wait, those are your wings. Why you gotta be so scary?
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an alien?
A Mars-upial.
I'm going to have to get a security guard because you're trying to steal my heart.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Nose.
Nose who?
I nose plenty more knock-knock jokes!
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
Have you ever seen a guy eat an entire can of pinto beans in under 10 seconds? Would you like to?
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
Just promise you won’t tamper with my heart.
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
Can you run with me so I can tell my friends I've ran with an angel?
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
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