What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
What do you get when a raven flies into a group of 18 crows?
Corvid-19.
Permit me to restructure the periodic table of elements and I would place U and I together.
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
Why did the cow go to space?
to get ice cream.
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
That’s a bit mulch.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
Girl, let me take you home and show you my advanced statistic.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
Why did the orange help the old lady cross the road?
To do a random act of rindness.
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
I thought the play was frightful but I saw it under particularly unfortunate circumstances - the curtain was up.
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
This vacation has been sand-sational!
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you until I'm sixty-four!
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
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