How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
I’m attracted to you like the earth is attracted to the sun – with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
Is your name Summer? Because you are hot!
Let me sell you an indulgence because it's a sin to look as good as you do.
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
Can I just watch this Spotify ad? Cause I’d love 30 mins of uninterrupted time with you.
If you were a function, then you’d be my asymptote ’cause I always tend toward you!
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
Your love will always be up to par.
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
I'm not gay but I'll learn.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
Where do killer whales go to get their braces?
The orca-dontist.
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
Go to BabaMail
