“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
"Time to wine down."
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
I am terrified of people who urinate quietly.
After all, all psychos have a silent p.
I meditate about you. Will you do the same too?
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
Roses are red, potatoes are brown; you are my favorite spud in the whole town!
Who’s ready to party their shamrocks off?
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
I don't have a Christmas list, cuz you're already the best gift.
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
"Eggs-cuse me."
Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
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