What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.

Are you a burger? Because you can be the meat between my buns.

If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.

"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous

What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.

For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"

You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer

Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.

My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.

I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer

What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.

"Who’s In?"

“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”

– Elizabeth Fleming

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

Are you a fruit, because Honeydew you know how fine you look right now?

Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.

What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.

Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?

I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you

Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.

A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."

What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
A maybee

All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.

My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her

Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.

What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.

Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.

What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.

What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!

You are my raisin to smile.

Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.

A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.

Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!

No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.

What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.

What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.

Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.

I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.

Ants in your plants.

What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box

What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.

What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.

The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.

Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.

The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".

when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.

More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!

I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."

Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.

I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.