“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
Theres a party in my pants and your invited.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
You must be Gisele Bundchen’s twin sister. You know the one no one talks about because she’s more beautiful than Gisele.
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
I don’t need to be a doctor to diagnose you with acute smile.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
“Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.”
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
Love me till ice cream.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
I saw the chicken quickly crossing the basketball court? Then I remembered that the referee was blowing fowls.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
Go to BabaMail
