What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
It took God seven days to make the world but it'll only take seven digits for you to change mine.
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
I want a taste of your Milky Way.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.
The artist shouldn't have taken that sculpture for granite, now it's stone-cold.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
I was prepping the raw turkey for Thanksgiving dinner
It was fowl.
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
If you were a dynamically allocated variable in a C++ program, you'd create a leak. Because I'd never delete you from my life.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
I know that 70% of the human body is composed of H2O, but the tall drink of water I'm looking at is probably 97%.
Where does a penguin keep its money?
In a snow bank.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
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