What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
Why can't you tease egg whites?
Because they can't take a yolk.
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!
When you look really closely...
all mirrors look like eyeballs.
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
My father got a new laptop, and it is now like the baby computer of the house, so we refer to the older laptop as the 'Data'.
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
Air resistance is a real drag.
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
Say what you want about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
Why’d you dress up as a princess, when you could have simply come in plain clothes as the most beautiful girl at the Halloween party?
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
What do you get when you use a cookie cutter shaped like a deer? Cookie doe!
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
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