Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
There’s caws for alarm.
All I want is to fill that vacuum in your heart.
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
What is it called when a witch only casts spells that rhyme?
Poetry in Potion.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
I'd be Lyon to myself if I said I thought we weren't meant to be.
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
That skeleton over there said he’d get your number for me, but he didn’t have the guts, so here I am.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
Donut even think about taking another donut!
"Just one hot chick."
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
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