This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
You must be calcification on a non-contrast CT, cause you’re just glowing.
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
Please wait, bewitcha in a minute.
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
There once was a bad ghoulish goblin.
Thump, thump on a crutch he was hobblin’.
It was Halloween night.
He dared to give a fright.
But he fell to the ground; he was wobblin’.
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want to.
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” asked the man, smiling.
“I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!”
What do you say when two red blood cells get married?
Coagulations!
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
Let's cross the international dateline together.
If you give me your number, I promise to spam you with pictures of cute puppies on a daily basis.
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
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