“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
Did you get lost on your run? Because heaven is a long way from here.
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
Let’s make like a banana and split.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
You must be a C major scale... All natural.
You breathe oxygen too? We have so much in common!
Your presence gives meaning to my yoga practice and enlightenment.
Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.
What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
What do you call someone that's hungry for some cuddles?
Hugry.
I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
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