There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
Hey baby, I think I'm going blind. Because I can't see you anymore.
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
You must be chlorine cause you are polarizing my bond.
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
You must be a Candy bar because you appease me.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
Frankenstein wasn’t very compliant.
He was mad and annoyed and defiant.
But he happened to pass
Anger management class —
And turned into The Jolly Green Giant!
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
Hey, I was reading through the Book of Numbers today, and I realized I didn't have yours.
Are you being a ghost for Halloween, or are you just my boo?
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
You're so sweet, your giving me cavaties.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
Are you a magician? Because you just cast a spell on me.
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!
Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
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