Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Baby, you remind me of the constitution, because you look like a national treasure.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
I know we just met, but I Cairo lot about you.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
So … do you run here often?
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
I'm using a bra for a face mask.
I like to keep abreast of corona security measures.
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
I hear you don’t like fractions. So will you let me be your other half?
Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
One should always practice what they peach.
What do you call a T-Rex that gets into a fight with the Indominus Rex? Dino-sore.
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
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