Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.

Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner

"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle

All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution

What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.

I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.

Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.

I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.

Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.

"Time to wine down."

Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.

There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.

“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)

Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.

Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.

Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.

I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.

I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.

Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.

Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.

We could make such a beautiful library together.

What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.

"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.

What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.

What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET

What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.

This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.

What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.

How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.

You don't need to waste your time on that treadmill, you've been running through my mind all day.

What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.

I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.

I can get you off the Naughty List.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.

"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby

If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?

Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.

What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes

Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.

How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.

Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?

It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.

Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.

There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.

There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.

As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.

Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!

(Ilene Bauer)

I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.

Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.

“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”

- Judd Apatow.